NUR AQILAH BT. MUHAMMAD NUR AZAM 16172
Difficult decision I had to make
Clock is ticking in an unusual slow ticks and tocks. I’m sweating like a culprit that had been caught red handed. Five minutes have never been these long before. It seems like time have stop in my very own universe. I wait anxiously. I feel like I have butterflies in my stomach or more like an man-eating monster crawling inside of me.
I finally have the guts to open up my eyes to look through it. I’m shocked. I feel a big hard punch on my stomach. I fall down on the floor. I can’t feel my legs. I’m shaking. I can’t help it that I burst into millions drops of tears. Flying images running through my mind. I see myself in the beautiful academic dress with the perfect mortar board on my head. I see myself holding a big position in a big firm. I see myself in the white satin wedding gown at my perfect wedding reception. In just a mere seconds, all those images crash and burn in my eyes just by this little cassettes.
You see, i have a bright future ahead of me. I was in the line of the best students in my college. I was an example to others. I was my lecture’s favourite student. I was my parent’s pride and joy. I won the popularity contest among my college mates. I was active in both sports and study. I’m good in many things, even if I’m not in certain thing, I’ll always make sure that i put my fullest effort in it until I’m great at it. I strive for the best. But I’m not the nerds. I do have fun with my friends during weekends and free times. But study have always been my first priority.
I could remember that day clearly, I was in a rush. That was one hell of a hectic day. I have to jump between classes and buying stationeries at the mall. I was walking fast, ignoring anything that headed in my way. Well now I could solemnly says, clumsiness kills. As I fast-walking apathetically, I crash into a guy wearing black a black t-shirt and washed out blue jeans. He looks very messy but in some weird way, he caught my eyes. There is something about him that charms me. I don’t know why but something inside of me pushes me to get to know this guy. He gets up and lend me his hand for me to get up. We says our apologies and went separate ways. I can’t get my mind of him. So I went on a search for him. Fortunately, this is a small world we’re living in. I found out that he is a friend of a friend of my friend. No sooner after tracking him like a mysterious psychopath, I started to get to know him through facebook and it went on from there.
I’m in love. That’s for sure. I fall under his spell. But non of my friends nor family approves our relationship. Some says he spells trouble all over him and some says he have other intention upon me. I guess love is blind anyway. I see nothing else but him. All I can think of is him. And as our relationship grew closer, my grades go lower. But I never blame him for that. I’m the one who chooses to skipped classes to spend time with him. Needless to say, we’re more than young lovers who shares dreams and hopes. All that I can think of the things that we share is his bed since i rarely come home. I guess after some times, my parents had given up babbling about right or wrong and good or bad to me. Or maybe I’d just stopped listening. I was living a sinful life. There, I said it. I’m no longer the innocent girl who cared to much about each of her steps along her way. I’m no longer thinking about pros and cons of my decisions. But at some point, I had realize that I’m lost. I don’t know where I am and where I’m heading. I’m just lost.
I try to co-up with my studies. But that became worthless as I could not concentrate for so many reasons. Maybe because there is just too much to catch up since I had wasted too much of my time on something else or maybe just because I had been having frequent fights with him. I gave him all. I gave him everything. When I said everything, believe me, everything, every single details of me and my life. It kills me to say this, but I could actually see it in his eyes that he never really cared for me. I just have to swallow the bad tasting medicine that he is actually using me. Problem rises as I’m not having my period for a while than I supposed to. I’d tried to talked to him about it. But his ignorance became much worse. All of the sudden, he grew distance. He had stopped picking up my calls and replying my text messages. I became panicked.
Two red colour lines appeared on the cassettes. I don’t know what to do. I’m sitting down helplessly. I can’t even think clearly at this point. After a while, I get myself up and wiped my tears. Mom and dad, I’m coming home. I know it seems like a cruel punishment I landed on them. But I don’t know where else to go to. There’s this urge in my heart that says, I needed my family. So I ran home. Upon reaching home, I hurriedly get my mum and hug her. I tell her I’m very sorry and that I regretted everything that I have done. She was in a state of blur. But still, she welcomes me home.
Well, that was two months back. Today, I’m staying at home and study. I’m still carrying his baby inside of me. His irresponsibility disgusts me. But not this baby. In the deepest part of my heart, I know that this baby had not done wrong. This baby is the purest form of humanity. This baby is a part of me. I haven’t told mom and dad about this. I don’t want to shock them to death. I still tries to reach him. I call him everyday. I try to find him at his house. But he is nowhere to be found. I keep on thinking about my future. But it seems unclear. I’m clueless. Now I am about to make the most difficult decision in my whole life.
Should I carry this baby and take care of it on my own? I probably have to tell my parents about this. I have to face the consequences of my act on my own. They might understands me and supports me all the way, or I might be kicked out of home. This action also will jeopardize my future. I could be dispelled from college for being pregnant out of wedlock. Maybe, I could just abort it. This is an easy way out to escape from my mistake. But I could not bear the thoughts of killing this baby for my own self-interest. That is a stupid selfish act which lead. Plus, it is inhuman and sinful. I don’t even know where I’m heading. I don’t even know how I could get myself into this. I regret everything that I do. But that doesn’t solve anything. I still have to face this and make the decision.
